I want to just spill everything i feel out here, but i'm not sure what to write without sounding like i'm whining bout the same thing over and over.

Its so easy for people to say, what matters is on the inside. But rarely do even these people practice what they preach. Looks may not be the most important thing, but its definitely the 1st thing. Its like, having a very welcoming door and the only way people can see what you have to offer, is by opening it and stepping in. My door unfortunately, is dark, termite-eaten wood, splashed with some sickly colored paint and a door handle so rusty it would give you tetanus. So people just look in from the window, and rest their weary heads upon the sill. I'm not afraid to show what i'm made of, and sure people like me the way i am, but always strictly platonically. I'm the one they come to for relationship advice and a general listening ear. I'm the shoulder to cry on but at the end of the day, all i have is a damp sleeve. Don't get me wrong, its not like i dont like being a confidant. In fact, listening to people's woes make me forget my own.

It even goes as far as people wanting to be like me; lack of flesh or good dress sense, but none want to be WITH me. And though i get praises and comments that should boost my ego, it does nothing cause it all seems like empty words. Not like the people who say these things dont mean it, but there arent any factual occurences to mime the things said. And so its not that i'm determined to constantly put myself down, i just dont have any means to pull myself up.

AAAAAHHHHH! What a wild weekend. Man i'm tired. Haha.

On saturday we planned to celebrate Nuraini's birthday at Play. Franco and dom couldnt make it due to unforseen circumstances, so it was just 5 of us and a bottle of Smirnoff. And cause i kept making rather weak mixes that went down so well, suffice it to say i didnt know when to stop. At about midnight i decided to go in myself 1st and dance to the high, but the moment i got there, i puked in the bushes. My mind spun, my head felt cold and my vision was cloused with white and multi-colored dots. Sure there were comfy couches inside but i couldnt make it that far so i just lay down on the front steps, half conscious. Some bitch took a photo of me in my state of unglamness but i was too disoriented to do anything so i just said "so mean..."

When i felt i could stand, i went inside, washed my mouth and face and found the others, and by george it was already 2am. Haha. Partied till 4, and my stomach felt whorrible so i cabbed home and the moment i got there, rushed to the toilet for diarrhoea. Talk abut exiting from all ends.

Sunday was far better. In fact, the best evening i've had in a long time. Thanks to Sam, i could go for Lady Gaga's showcase at clarke quay. Paid $65 for a ticket, and waited in line from 5-8pm in the harsh humidity, but it was well worth it. She was amazing. Loves.


my arms look good here. must be the gymming.


sam working it


red carpet baby


i like this photo.


the venue








p-p-p-pokerface










Then after a quick dinner at Mac, it was time to party at Zirca, and boy was it good. They had all my fave grooves. Circus, Love Game, Disturbia, Let Me Think About It, Bottle Pop and boy did i work it. Play always pales in comparison. Man. Went home smiling. Awesome.

*sweeps cobwebs away and flings em unceremoniously into the garbage*

Phew. Been a long time since i've posted. Not that i've had nothing to post about, in fact i've had a lot of drama to post about yet i just didnt feel like it. Ironic much. Anyways, in brief, Eli is certified human, as he found out he CAN love again. Even tho it was shortlived and ended in a 3fold heartbreak. Haha. But i'm alright now i guess.

Anyways, even tho previously i had been whining about the grotesquely quick pace in which my free months are passing, i now want it to pass even faster. I cant wait for my birthday! Hahaha. Like. Immensely. Like even more than previous years somehow. Its gonna be partying galore and i'm gonna be blonde again. And this time, even more fabulous than before.

But of course, everything comes at a price, and unfortunately my wallet is drier than the mammary glands of an 80 year old. Sure, love is at the top of my list of needs/wants, but its completely blasphemous to say that money cant improve your life... by a lot. Haha. So many things i wanna get. Blazer. Shoes. Hair. And of course i'll have to set aside money for the b'day celebration. Ahh i'm quivering in my boxers... as you would now know that i wear exclusively at home. I wear no pants. I want no pants. Cause its damn friggin hot and humid. Only gaga fans will understand.

And speaking of whom. Lady Gaga is comin to singapore and its sooooo freakin unfair that she's only having a private showcase. If it were a concert, i'd cut off my left leg to pay for a ticket. But no. We fans have to be subjected to the awful marketing schemes of companies like Mediacorp radio or Singtel... to 'win' tickets. Damn them. I love you lady gaga but you're making it so damn hard. No pun intended.

My body clock is so screwed up lately, littered with bouts of insomnia. Last night i couldnt sleep at all again, just lay in bed and my mind going on erratically. And then just now i fell asleep at 10.30pm. Woke up feeling disoriented. Thunder growled in the distance, vague memories of things that never actually happened reverberated in my brain. The whole back of my t-shirt was soaked in sweat and i didnt know what time it was. So i got up to check. 2.45. Damn. Why couldnt i just have slept till morning.

I have no intention to blog, nor content of which to blog with. But it is late, i am not ready for slumberland, and there is little to do at this hour. And so i shall start a series of posts, depicting scenes in my head that seem to convey what i'm feeling currently. So here goes.

He stands on the edge of the world. A frigid white landscape lay before him. Swirls of mist caress the ice, miming evey bump, every imperfection. The rays of the afternoon sun do nothing to warm his flesh, but stream upon the glazed surfaces in a pale sparkle. Silence is absolute. No howling of the wind. No chirp of migrating birds. No crackle of melting ice. It seemed like if he shouted, his voice would just be swallowed up by the everlasting abyss.

His dry, cracked lips tremble as licked them out of habit, and they felt no smoother than sandpaper. Gasps of breath forming clouds of vapour that blew away to be forgotten. The icy chill gnawed at every inch of his exposed skin and no amount of shivering could generate enough warmth for him to stay alive in this unforgiving climate.

He kneeled from sheer exhaustion, then went down on all fours. Every breath he took was shorter and shorter, as if his very lungs were being covered in hoarfrost. He sat down and ran fingers through his hair, dislodging fragments of ice that had settled earlier. Throwing his head back in exasperation, he felt as if he could cry. And he knew that if he did, the tears would turn solid before they even hit the ground. And with great effort, he pulled himself into a crouch, bending his legs that felt like they belonged to a senior with arthritis. He wrapped his arms around his shins and rested his chin upon his acheing knees. Closed his eyes, rocking back and forth. Waiting for the inevitable to arrive.

Its funny how life never lets you be happy for a long time. Few days tops.

Its like i raked an enormous bale of hay for 4 months, and in an instant, it all blows away. And its not just that, its like, my very identity is questioned. I officially, dont know the road ahead of me. Never good enough in anything i do.

Never.

Well its been a quick few weeks. So startling that its already april. 4th month of the year. 3 more and i'm 20. GASP!

I was intending to keep my fringe long enough to touch my lip then go permanently straighten, ala rihanna, but got kinda irritated by the fact that it was becoming thinner and thinner due to hairdressers who dont really listen. So yeah chopped it off.


bang! and the fringe is gone.

The new mall 'iluma' i think its called, at bugis is NICE! Rather good interior design and layout. My friend and i strolled in to huge amounts of people crowding over railings and sprawling over the basement floor. Apparently david archuleta was gonna perform, and when he did come on stage, the echoes of the screams of the crowd were like a hundred blood-sucking banshees. Haha.


the front part looks abit christmasy but i like the way the words flash over it


some of the inside


if you go round the back of the toilets, there's an immense maze of red tunnels


like ants to a sugar-cube

I'm SO BORED!
I cant believe i've actually spent friday and saturday night at home. Considering i've been partying every weekend for the past 5 weeks. But do you really think i'd quit it now that i'm free of school? Think twice honey. Its Zirca tomoro. Woots! Hahahaha. I've been wanting to hit it ever since it opened. I hope it doesnt disappoint.

In other news, the job hunt isnt going well... but i'd be lying if i told you i've been working hard at trying to find work. Haha. I'm such a lazy skinny ass. Damn. Soo need to get a job. But what with this recession and all. Blah! Cause my spending power has sorta outgrown my allowance. So yeah. This excerpt of a Lady Gaga song should sum it up. I soo love her.

We got a redlight
Pornographic dance fight
Systematic, honey
But we go no money

Our hair is perfect
While were all getting shit wrecked
It's automatic, honey
But we got no money

Daddy I'm so sorry, I'm so s-s-sorry yeah
We just like to party, like to p-p-party yeah

Bang Bang...

Time has been passing my eyes like third-rate magic tricks. Each day seems to take hours to pass, but a week is gone in the blink of an eye. I cant actually remember how many weeks ago it was that FYP ended. Its almost like i've entered the afterlife, where days, weeks, months, dont make a difference. And i feel guilty for not doing anything. Its like i'm wasting my life away... yet i dont feel like i have much to live for anyways.

To add to the deteriorative nature of my being, i've decided to quit smoking... to somehow lose weight. Too many people have asked me what's the connection and well frankly i dont really care. All i know is, i'm gonna have more money to buy myself more food. That should be reason enough. The lack of ciggs has made me more irritable and depressed all the time, and contributed to disturbed sleep. Actually, the physical withdrawal symptoms i can deal with. Its just the emotional shit i cant stand.

2008 was by far a better year than 2007 and i can safely say a big thank you to ciggs i swear. Nothing takes the edge off better. And i'm such a nice person who doesnt throw things around or raise my voice when you make me angry. I just take it, then take my mints, a stick and go light it outside. The lightheadedness more than makes up for the irritation. And sometimes, a cigg between the index and middle finger, feels just as comforting as a hug from a friend on a rainy day. Seriously. Its been a week since i decided to quit. Nicorette gum does nothing besides make my throat a little sore. I've been craving sweet things ever since. And well all i've done is cut down my smoking intake by half... give or take a stick. Its gonna be a long road.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG FYP IS OVERRRRR!

Hahaha my god it was a crappy few months. The toil. The aches. The stress. The blood, the sweat, the tears. And now its all over. Poly work as i know it, has ended.

I think this picture sort of sums up how i felt for fyp. Hahahahahah.

It feels so weird you know. Like someone pointed out the other day. Its not so much of an overwhelming happiness like the end of O'levels. Its just a weight off our backs. And its weird like, while doing fyp, there seems to be so many distractions, so many better things to be doing, but now that its out of the way. Man! I got nothing to do! Hahahhaha.

Throughout the course of fyp i've been thinking of different acronyms for it, a way to deal. Here's a list:

Flash Your Panties
Fetid Yam Pies
Foul Yellow Pussies
Fire Your Parents
Fertile Young Punks
Fashionable Yugoslavian Pomeranians
Feed Your Patience
Festive Yule Parties
Fake Your Period
Feel-Yucky Pacifiers
Farting Yesterday's Parodies
Flood Your Parade
Forever Yearning Pagans
Flamboyant Yiddish Priests
Film Your Pee
Falling Yoghurt Pastries
Fabricate Yowling Pandemoniums
Face Your Paediatritian
Fat Yoga Practitioners
Flirtatious Yawning Psychos
Fingerprint Your Penis
Funny Yet Perverse

I'm BORED!

Well i spent new year's eve working as a dresser for a fashion show(clothes by local designer, kevin seah) that was held during the new year's eve party held by St. Regis.

Ronald Stelzer fooled me. He said the actual show was gonna be at 7pm so i thought by 8.30 at most it'll be done and i can go meet the rest to celebrate. But when i saw the schedule, the show was from 10 to 10.30. Like fuckness can? The rehearsal was at 3ish so from 4ish to the actual show, there was a whole lot of waiting in the cold COLD room. And i thought it was gonna be hot so i dressed in the bare minimum.

But the hotel itself was seriously atas.


The public toilet. There's actually an individual tap for hot and cold. And there's non disposable towelettes for you to dry your hands. like omg.


chandelier at the main entrance


the pool area


a maserati parked outside.

When the party started, there were so many super expensive cars parked outside, lambos, bmws maseratis,and even this super cool vintage mercedes convertible. The party venue itself looked so spectacular. too bad i couldnt get any photos. Ashley Isham was there. Daniel Boey(i think thats how u spell it) We had to use the service escalator to go from the holding room to the backstage... had to walk through like the kitchens and stuff with the models in their 1st gowns. And so the show started, and when the models came back it was a mad rush to undress and redress them. They wore gstrings underneath. Some werent wearing bras. I felt kinda awkward being so close to almost naked hot girls. Scared i molest them or sth. Haha. There were one or two slip ups but we were glad it was finally over.


me and a model i dressed.

We packed up, the assistant, me and the other 2 dressers, and sent the clothes back to the shop at city hall. Then i trained down to bugis to meet nouru, and off to arab street to meet the gang... all 12 of them in a corner of cafe le caire with shisha and leftover food. There was some karaoke in the middle of arab street in front of the restaurant. When the clock struck 12... the gang popped their poppers and made a huge mess.



We left soon after, to go find a nice place to crash our sorry asses and drink till our heart's content. Franco brought a bottle of chivas and a bottle of jim beam, and dominic brought a bottle of mango vodka... but not absolut. 5 minutes of walking and franco asks for the cups to be distributed and we started on the vodka that tasted so unreasonably good. Soon after the jim beam made an appearance followed by the chivas. Franco is such a demon when it comes to alcohol. Making mixes in his mouth. He did it to jaz too. So by the time we settled on the steps of city hall, jaz was already drunk and puking, and all 3 bottles were done.



But well, me and dom thought it wasnt enough, so me and him, along with nouru, franco and fazil, traipsed over to boat quay to find a 7eleven. It was like a crazy journey. Holding hands along the way, not caring if people thought we were gay. I piggybacked dom randomly, then he decided to carry me too. We had to pee so we entered this 2 storey TCC and the guy asked, table for how many? Dom said 2, so we went upstairs, did our thing, and on the way out i said, its full up there. Haha. We bought our booze and went back to the steps. Darrell was already puking in the bushes, helped by khai. Ed was grotesquely topless cause he said jaz puked on his sleeve. After a while dom got drunk too and started puking. I was at like the ultimate level of high. Floating in the clouds yet not nauseous at all.





Me and nouru went down to help dom too while franco tried calling a cab but the service was being a bitch. At about 5ish the group decided to go to mac at boat quay. Franco 1st tried carrying dom ala fireman style. Looked like a poor rag doll. But it was obviously too tiring, so it was just the supported walking kinda thing then the old man's back started hurting so me and nouru took over. We found a spot by the river, went to buy some food, tho i was broke so i just had a hash brown. At 7 we all picked ourselves up and went home. Ed was being such an embarassment on the train, talking like a total retard. But all in all, i think it was like, the best new year celebration yet. =)

This is something i typed in my phone before new year's eve. But i havent been having internet access so i couldnt blog.

To sum up 2008 in one word would be weird. As in the one word i would use is 'weird'. I mean it felt like a whole year of nothingness, no big accomplishments, maybe one or 2 downfalls. No tears thought, maybe thats why it didnt feel as tragic.

I didnt get anywhere in work. I didn't get anywhere in love. Just got a whole lot more jaded. I feel like i'm in a place in my life where i'm not comfortable with where i am, yet change is but a passing thought. I've changed since last year. Become more stable, more emotionless. I'm so used to disappointment that it almost doesnt bother me anymore. I just let go and start anew.

But it does bother me, in the sleepless late nights. It rings in my head like the faint buzz of a mosquito. Sometimes i hate myself completely and other times i like some of me... but never all of it.

I've changed... not in the course of this year, but at the beginning and stayed more or less the same throughout it. Not for the better though. I've become bolder, colder, more cynical, less appreciative. Its like life has lost its hue and everything's just a depressing shade of grey. Everything's become so damn predictable. And when it doesnt go as hypothesized, its always worse than i thought it was going to be. Its like i was never meant for happiness, just the temporal highs of laughter and intoxication.

I need something. I need to bring warmth into my sallow existance. I need zest and bright colours to make me see that life still holds surprises for me. I leave this year with many regrets of my own shortcomings. As easy as it sounds to start anew, you cant if you dont know where you are right now.

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through my fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here


I'm starting to feel jaded about more than just school.

So when i sat in for crit 2 on thursday, i imagined, the worse that would happen, happened when darren presented. Seriously, more than half the class was demoralised afterwards. He is so set for the industry, its not even funny. Slap any of his work on any magazine u can name and it wouldnt look out of place.

Then any ounce of motivation i had left for fyp, was crushed like a moth under doc martens. When it came to my turn, the lecturers said my pictures were boring, poses were static and lighting was flat. Out of all the photos, chee yong said only one or two were useable. That means, that all the time, effort and money i spent in the past two weeks went down the drain like partially digested food of a bulimic. It also meant i probably need to reshoot, which, on my schedule, seems almost impossible. I'd need to find new clothes, new models, new locations, in 1/3 of the time i had before. Right after i said thank you, i grabbed my ciggs, walked out the door and went down to the reservoir to smoke myself silly... came back to an empty class, took my bag, and left.

ARGH FYP!!!!

Its like the one major thing on my mind, like always, nowadays. Whenever someone askes me, how have u been? I say stressed, cause of FYP. Cause its true. And the amount of money i've been spending for this, running errands all around sg... i almost feel sorry for my dad. Thank god B keeps me sane at times. hawhaw. Seriously. I've been so insane that i've actually been listening to dragostea din tei. No kidding. Numa numa yay. This is all your fault nathaniel, tho i'm gonna let you make it up to me by finding a crack for my CS4 before the trial runs out.

And its always hard not to feel secondbest always. I mean, its like kinda saps your energy you know? But i tell myself, 2ndbest is always better than last place and thats what keeps me going. At this rate, i'm just gonna be grateful to get everything done by the deadline. So far i've done 2 shoots, the 1st went without any hiccups thank god, but the 2nd could have been better. I loved having the 2 different types of fake vomit tho. I'm such a dramatist. It was pretty ironic that some other random person was puking for real afterwards. haha. And now comes the painstaking chore of photoshopping it all perfectly and crit 2 is a day away. Fuck.

I miss clubbing too... i mean can u imagine the torture? Shooting at a club and having to go home immediately afterwards cause i was lugging around the tremendous load of lights and clothes. Ouh and thanks to B again for being my assistant to help carry the stuff and wait mostly alone while i shot. For the past few weeks all i've done is 2 house parties... okay la thats not too bad either but i'm itching to shake off all that stress with overactive dancing. Blarg. Nvm, this weekend i swear. Its gonna be all out. Let my hair down... tho not technically cause flat-ironed hair + sweat = really ugly hair. Haha.

I typed this in my phone last night at aaron's place.


I'm lying here on the balcony 23 stories up. The sensation of intoxication had left me just moments ago. Light from the stairwell filtering gently through the glass panes as the sound of water palpitates in front of me.

If i stand up, i have a vast view of the land. I can tell the east from the west and point out landmarks vaguely, naming places as i go. I can even see the fires of industry in the distance, keeping all else i see alight.

But for now, i'm content to lie on the cold floor, a single square cushion propping up my weary head, looking up into the dark fabric of the night sky. Those stars i rarely see; i see more of them. I could almost hear them whispering, but of course they are blissfully silent. Sometimes i see one gliding across that black satin, but when i look again, it just seems my eyes are making a mockery of me. But when the organza of clouds start obscuring the twinkling lights, a single bold one sprints away on winged heels. Who knows, it might fall to earth.

Maybe its sleep that wants to take me, for all the others have been kidnapped. For now though, i'm glad to marvel at the beauty of night, no matter how hard it tries to belittle me. I have myself right where i'm supposed to be, taking my place in the middle of the universe.

I'M SO FREAKIN STRESSED WITH FYPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Gosh, i think i should have just done illustration instead. The workload would just be self centred... i mean, sit at home and draw for 8 hours a day and u can get it done. But with fashion photog, the work revolves around external forces. Borrowing equipment and clothes, booking locations, finding days that fit the schedule of both models and make-up artists... Its so all over the place. And then cause u rely on other people its really hard to strike a balance between being nice and getting things done. And summore i'm goin up against darren the overachiever who has mastered Time. Rawr, i cant wait till its all over and i'm rolling in pure glee.








shot by kelle

My cousin who migrated to the US came back with her husband to stay for 3 weeks so I had to go back to my dad's house to sleep. Funny tho, I cant believe how alien it felt. I mean. Her prescence after 3 years of abscence, didnt feel out of place, nor did i feel overwhelmingly grateful that she was back. Have i changed so much that...

I dont know how to say it. I mean, it was also cause i was like, dreading the possibility that she might talk to me about my 'irregularity'. There was some pretty serious drama tho, between the two sisters. Seriously, korean drama also lose.

And the funny thing is, nobody cried at the airport when she left, even tho my cousin is well known for turning on the waterworks... she even cried watching pokemon the movie.

















Past


Present


bon voyage

It starts to hurt when you're empty for so long.



Its a clear night. No clouds. You can see all the little stars twinkling mundanely up there. Something about the twilight is sobering. Its funny you start off the day optimistic and exciteable, only to feel lost by the end of it.


Anyways FYPeee is here and so far my stress level hasnt gone up yet. Altho leadership is a pain in the nether regions. I didnt even choose it in the 1st place. I chose italian, but got leadership. Then at add/drop i chose italian again, but still got stuck with leadership. I dont really mind the module itself especially since the lecturer is entertaining, its just that i hear its a very hard subject to score at... and i rele wanna pull up my less than desirable gpa.

Warts.
no
Cats.

Well yesterday evening i headed over to safra changi for the 'Let Loose' VSC chalet. Went shopping at sheng siong on the way to get some stuff they wanted, then cabbed over.

We went for dinner at this place with an awesome view of a golf course. We went bowling afterwards and as usual i sucked at it... standley and clarence were pretty good tho.



Then it was back to the house for some partying but of course we slacked abit 1st. Then a bottle of absolut peach came out and we started getting intoxicated. The music came on and absolut mango came out of the cabinet. We danced adorned with many lightsticks. Then baileys popped out and that too was downed. I have never been that high in my life. Ant it was funny that it was the boys who were most affected by the alcohol. I was spinning on the floor with clarence and somehow we were hugging and other people pulled us apart. Then went upstairs and shan yu was in a state of vodka-induced crying. And finally when we laid down to rest, standley kept making sex noises for like over an hour. Haha.
What my symptom was tho, i'll never tell. Heehee. I did puke 3 times tho.



The morning after was a whole different story. I mean yeah i was still kinda nauseous but i felt calm, and went over to the seaside and just gazed out into the silent water, thunder rumbling in the distance.





I'll post the rest of the pics once i get em from stephanie.