So the 1st part of NS wasn't exactly what i expected. Not that i had much expectations in the 1st place besides it being bad. And i guess some parts of it were. But hey i survived didn't i? Albeit with a harsh tan and damaged hands and feet. Haha.

At 1st it was pretty painful. Literally. It felt like every muscle in my body ached. And then we did more training, and muscles i didnt even know existed started acheing. And the lifestyle was kinda difficult getting used to. Not the whole communal living thing. But the way we were treated by the uppers. It was so restrictive and the grotesque amount of induced uniformity was so suffocating.

And when i thought this is as bad as it gets. Hoho. Excrutiating took on a new spelling in the words 'Field Camp'. The lowest point in bmt. Getting fucked every morning and evening like clockwork. Food was cold and eaten straight out of the sachet. Sleep was almost nonexistant thanks to the rocky ground we slept on. Baths were nonexistant; the only moisture to touch our bodies was our own sweat. Digging the shelscrape(i dont know how its spelt) was extremely exhausting. To top it all we had no cigarettes. There was one profound moment tho... a really long one at that. Flashbanged in the early morning before we were supposed to rise. The sirens rang and the sounds of rifle rounds cut the air. I looked up and the hill was alight with fiery orange, the trees and soldiers with their guns mere silhouettes. It might have been beautiful, if not for what was coming. A long fucking session of high kneeling, pumping, rifles overhead or straight out in front. Heck i wanted to throw my weapon at the nearest sergeant and walk the fuck away. But i couldnt. And after a long time, our PC talked to us, some probably semi-rehearsed speech that involved our parents. And we were given letters from our family, of love and encouragement. I just cried, like i haven't done in a long time. Like i've never done for my family.

And then they shouted at us to cover back our holes in the ground in 10 minutes. Fucked up.

After it all ended, the bunks back at the company line seemed almost luxurious. Actual showers. Soft beds. And i guess the lifestyle itself got better. We had more free time and the uppers got a little friendlier. I could almost say i enjoyed bmt. Contrary to what i believed before, i COULD be myself around everyone. At one point in time i was so busy with things non-military. Designing the company mascot(which turned out fucking awesome), choreographing the cheer team and rehearsing a Bad Romance performance for OC night(some people said it freaked them out... which means we did it well).

And our last great struggle before it all ended would be unforgettable. In the dead of night with a great lack of sleep, and the ground being a pain in the ass; having either large puddles and mud, or littered with rocks. Quite a few people fell. Extremely exhausting what with the constricting lpv, the fieldpack and the rifle. But then i looked up and the constellations in the sky were so beautiful. It just, made the whole thing epic. Almost. haha.

The friends i made along the way. The ultimate cigg highs from the lack of them. The confinements. The laughs. The drama.
I'm gonna miss BMT.

Well the past few weeks have past in a monotonous drawl... but NS is coming real soon.
Had a blast at my birthday and spent a good few weeks being blonde.


When i 1st dyed it, it was bluish


by my birthday it was silver


then finally faded to blonde(ala gaga)


inspired by gaga's latest look

And then...


Bam! its all gone.

Haha. Well 3 reasons why.
1. The blonde was getting yellower with each wash, and the roots were getting pretty obvious.
2. I'd rather going bald be my decision rather than a victim of government protocol.
3. I've decided on an internal shift of perception, and what better way to start than with an outward change.
So yeah. NS is in exactly 2 weeks and to be honest i'm both kinda scared, and pretty excited. 6 months of doing nothing has left me yearning for a lifestyle change and well, it may not be the kind i want but at least its different. Way different. So yeah i'm just gonna go in with an open mind and hope for the best.

a dream i had..


Somehow i appeared in a dimly lit underground area. The walls made it seem almost like a maze.
I heard heavy breathing from somewhere nearby. Whatever that is, it sounded like something huge and so i started walking quickly in the opposite direction. The sound of my heart beating in my chest mingled with the thudding footsteps of the one pursuing me. I met a dead end and turned around. A werewolf came sauntering in front of me, irritable, with saliva dripping from his lower jaw. He took a step towards me. And another. And then he was inexplicably pulled backwards, by an unseen force and hit the opposing wall.

A boy of maybe 17 came rushing to me, grabbed my wrist and started leading me away saying, "hurry before he wakes up".

And so we ran. Just as i was getting a stitch in my side, we reached a concrete staircase leading upwards. We climbed wordlessly untill we emerged out into the bright sunlight, on a breezy meadow. A girl of about my age was waiting nearby and seemed relieved at the sight of us.

"Thank god you're alright." She said to the boy that just saved my life. And then she introduced herself and the boy, smilingly. "What's happening here? Where am i?" I asked.

"Well its like this," the boy explained, "This world is ruled by beasts. We have 5 clans. Bear, Wolf, Ox, Rhino and Cat. I know the last sounds puny but i mean its the lions, leopards cougars and stuff. And well, we humans have forged ties with the clans... we belong to them. And although we dont have the brute strength that they do, we have magic. That's what i did earlier. I can teach you if you want."

Then the girl spoke, "the rest of the animals are wild, and not all clan animals are sentient. The wolf you met earlier was probably an outcast.. although, the Wolf and Cat clans have been known to be unecessarily hostile at times."

"We should keep moving... the wolf was just knocked out, not dead. Might try to follow our scent." said the boy, looking over two somewhat humanoid rhinos garbed in what looked like war armor.

The three of us walked up the gently sloping hill and arrived at this rather tall white building. The boy cocked his head as though he heard something, and moved forward purposefully. I followed and we walked around the building parameter to this little corner where another girl was waiting. As we sat down, the boy extracted from his suede pouch, a little glass vial and a small shallow bowl. He poured out the contents of the vial and looked into the blue swirling liquid in the bowl. The 1st girl brought another guy along with her and they too sat down.

"He's coming... the wolf I mean. Okay, this liquid is what us humans use for magic. It enhances our powers, but for you 3 newbies, it awakens your... potential."

The other guy was talking a lot, about how he has already survived for sometime without magic in a self-assured way. The 1st girl took a vial from her pocket and poured red liquid into the same bowl. I looked at her questioningly. "Me and him, even though best friends, are from different clans. Our potions are made up of different elements, so some that may be lacking from one, can be filled in by the other."

"He's here. You, put two fingers into the bowl." the boy said to me. And so i did.



Then i woke up.

I don't think i've ever felt this way before. Or maybe i have but not to this extent. There has been loads of times i wished i was somebody else. But this time its just... I feel i just need to step out of myself for a while. I can't handle being me at the moment. I want to escape into a ficticious world where someone like me can be happy. Where someone like me can be loved. Not just by my friends and family. But by someone that makes my life that much more meaningful. Someone who's hand i can hold, who's shoulder i can lean on. Who's hair i can run my fingers through. Who's lips that taste like honey against mine.

Its my only escape i guess, right now. Who knew that playing the games when i was a kid would be my refuge in the brink of adulthood? Playing make-believe. Imagining i was someone else... not just human, but something supernatural altogether. Escaping myself isnt quite enough right now. I need to escape reality.

I want to just spill everything i feel out here, but i'm not sure what to write without sounding like i'm whining bout the same thing over and over.

Its so easy for people to say, what matters is on the inside. But rarely do even these people practice what they preach. Looks may not be the most important thing, but its definitely the 1st thing. Its like, having a very welcoming door and the only way people can see what you have to offer, is by opening it and stepping in. My door unfortunately, is dark, termite-eaten wood, splashed with some sickly colored paint and a door handle so rusty it would give you tetanus. So people just look in from the window, and rest their weary heads upon the sill. I'm not afraid to show what i'm made of, and sure people like me the way i am, but always strictly platonically. I'm the one they come to for relationship advice and a general listening ear. I'm the shoulder to cry on but at the end of the day, all i have is a damp sleeve. Don't get me wrong, its not like i dont like being a confidant. In fact, listening to people's woes make me forget my own.

It even goes as far as people wanting to be like me; lack of flesh or good dress sense, but none want to be WITH me. And though i get praises and comments that should boost my ego, it does nothing cause it all seems like empty words. Not like the people who say these things dont mean it, but there arent any factual occurences to mime the things said. And so its not that i'm determined to constantly put myself down, i just dont have any means to pull myself up.

AAAAAHHHHH! What a wild weekend. Man i'm tired. Haha.

On saturday we planned to celebrate Nuraini's birthday at Play. Franco and dom couldnt make it due to unforseen circumstances, so it was just 5 of us and a bottle of Smirnoff. And cause i kept making rather weak mixes that went down so well, suffice it to say i didnt know when to stop. At about midnight i decided to go in myself 1st and dance to the high, but the moment i got there, i puked in the bushes. My mind spun, my head felt cold and my vision was cloused with white and multi-colored dots. Sure there were comfy couches inside but i couldnt make it that far so i just lay down on the front steps, half conscious. Some bitch took a photo of me in my state of unglamness but i was too disoriented to do anything so i just said "so mean..."

When i felt i could stand, i went inside, washed my mouth and face and found the others, and by george it was already 2am. Haha. Partied till 4, and my stomach felt whorrible so i cabbed home and the moment i got there, rushed to the toilet for diarrhoea. Talk abut exiting from all ends.

Sunday was far better. In fact, the best evening i've had in a long time. Thanks to Sam, i could go for Lady Gaga's showcase at clarke quay. Paid $65 for a ticket, and waited in line from 5-8pm in the harsh humidity, but it was well worth it. She was amazing. Loves.


my arms look good here. must be the gymming.


sam working it


the venue








p-p-p-pokerface










Then after a quick dinner at Mac, it was time to party at Zirca, and boy was it good. They had all my fave grooves. Circus, Love Game, Disturbia, Let Me Think About It, Bottle Pop and boy did i work it. Play always pales in comparison. Man. Went home smiling. Awesome.

*sweeps cobwebs away and flings em unceremoniously into the garbage*

Phew. Been a long time since i've posted. Not that i've had nothing to post about, in fact i've had a lot of drama to post about yet i just didnt feel like it. Ironic much. Anyways, in brief, Eli is certified human, as he found out he CAN love again. Even tho it was shortlived and ended in a 3fold heartbreak. Haha. But i'm alright now i guess.

Anyways, even tho previously i had been whining about the grotesquely quick pace in which my free months are passing, i now want it to pass even faster. I cant wait for my birthday! Hahaha. Like. Immensely. Like even more than previous years somehow. Its gonna be partying galore and i'm gonna be blonde again. And this time, even more fabulous than before.

But of course, everything comes at a price, and unfortunately my wallet is drier than the mammary glands of an 80 year old. Sure, love is at the top of my list of needs/wants, but its completely blasphemous to say that money cant improve your life... by a lot. Haha. So many things i wanna get. Blazer. Shoes. Hair. And of course i'll have to set aside money for the b'day celebration. Ahh i'm quivering in my boxers... as you would now know that i wear exclusively at home. I wear no pants. I want no pants. Cause its damn friggin hot and humid. Only gaga fans will understand.

And speaking of whom. Lady Gaga is comin to singapore and its sooooo freakin unfair that she's only having a private showcase. If it were a concert, i'd cut off my left leg to pay for a ticket. But no. We fans have to be subjected to the awful marketing schemes of companies like Mediacorp radio or Singtel... to 'win' tickets. Damn them. I love you lady gaga but you're making it so damn hard. No pun intended.

My body clock is so screwed up lately, littered with bouts of insomnia. Last night i couldnt sleep at all again, just lay in bed and my mind going on erratically. And then just now i fell asleep at 10.30pm. Woke up feeling disoriented. Thunder growled in the distance, vague memories of things that never actually happened reverberated in my brain. The whole back of my t-shirt was soaked in sweat and i didnt know what time it was. So i got up to check. 2.45. Damn. Why couldnt i just have slept till morning.

I have no intention to blog, nor content of which to blog with. But it is late, i am not ready for slumberland, and there is little to do at this hour. And so i shall start a series of posts, depicting scenes in my head that seem to convey what i'm feeling currently. So here goes.

He stands on the edge of the world. A frigid white landscape lay before him. Swirls of mist caress the ice, miming every bump, every imperfection. The rays of the afternoon sun do nothing to warm his flesh, but stream upon the glazed surfaces in a pale sparkle. Silence is absolute. No howling of the wind. No chirp of migrating birds. No crackle of melting ice. It seemed like if he shouted, his voice would just be swallowed up by the everlasting abyss.

His dry, cracked lips tremble as he licked them out of habit, and they felt no smoother than sandpaper. Gasps of breath forming clouds of vapour that blew away to be forgotten. The icy chill gnawed at every inch of his exposed skin and no amount of shivering could generate enough warmth for him to stay alive in this unforgiving climate.

He kneeled from sheer exhaustion, then went down on all fours. Every breath he took was shorter and shorter, as if his very lungs were being covered in hoarfrost. He sat down and ran fingers through his hair, dislodging fragments of ice that had settled earlier. Throwing his head back in exasperation, he felt as if he could cry. And he knew that if he did, the tears would turn solid before they even hit the ground. With great effort, he pulled himself into a crouch, bending his legs that felt like they belonged to a senior with arthritis. He wrapped his arms around his shins and rested his chin upon his acheing knees. Closed his eyes, rocking back and forth. Waiting for the inevitable to arrive.

Its funny how life never lets you be happy for a long time. Few days tops.

Its like i raked an enormous bale of hay for 4 months, and in an instant, it all blows away. And its not just that, its like, my very identity is questioned. I officially, dont know the road ahead of me. Never good enough in anything i do.

Never.